an onion article about holding a yard sale for my friend sarah, the obsessive yard sale queen.
A yard sale is a great way to make money while getting rid of clutter. Here are some tips to make your sale a success:
- To enable easier browsing, arrange items in order of their shittiness.
- Put your used underwear out for sale. Yes. Put it out. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes, put it all out for sale.
- Try to arrange your random cast-off crap in such a manner as to cause strangers and passersby to burst into tears at the sheer crippling mundanity of it all.
- Don't put out that used electric hotdog cooker. Not only will no one buy the appliance, but your neighbors will be filled with disgust over living so close to someone who owned one.
- A dollar is a bit pricey for those Reader's Digest condensed books, Professor Smarty.
- Please don't sell our Inchworm riding toy! We know we're 37 years old now, but please don't sell our Inchworm Ridey!
- A free box is a great way to get rid of incriminating evidence.
- The No. 1 thing yard-sale customers are looking for is a great value. Lucky for you, the No. 2 thing they are looking for is faded purple size-26 Hanes stirrup pants.
- Having shoppers sign a standard yard-sale contract will ensure that all sales are final.
- Yard sales are like love: If you let your guard down and present everything you've got to the world honestly and without shame, someone is bound to end up with a bunch of your old clothes.
- Don't let your children price items. They price the items too high, as you are raising greedy little monsters.
- Don't forget to chuckle and tell every single customer that the yard is, in fact, not for sale.
This entry was posted
on 28 July 2004 at 7/28/2004 09:41:00 PM.
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my dear cam: people always wonder what you're yelling about ...
okay, i had some bad code in there. but all is fixedededededed now. 'scuse the manners.
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